KAMINSKI'S Spring fashion forecast
Organize your exciting social calendar and party schedule for 2012!
23rd January 2012
Show inimitable verve, subliminal but feigned passivity and slyly suppressed chi-ness in your wardrobe choices!
SPECIAL BONUS FASHION TIP: How to dress for Purim rituals!
Hello fashion mavens. I'm here to tell you how to dress for what looks to be a very challenging Spring on the bulimic skeleton circuit. I have some really stimulating news to tell you style choices have gone nuclear, not to mention biological.
Spruce up your wardrobe for the coming spring fashion season with a gaudy Kevlar vest, which now comes in the colors teal and fuchsia, for extra visibility. Thongs in Herpes green or pants in urine yellow are no longer available; these stocks sold out long ago.
Or, if your genes are more recessive, you may want to astonish your admirers with a full length titanium mesh coat with matching helmet and bulletproof faceplate, to thoroughly frustrate all your adoring fans who are constantly trying to mace, pepperspray or taze you.
Whatever you choose to wear to this final battle between the predators and the prey, you will face an interesting schedule of events that will present a challenge to even the most obsessive of social fashion trendsetters.
In all venues, the choice of style this season will revolve totally around survival, and the subtext of all fashion statements will be a combination of deceiving the perps and communicating with covert allies who wish to remain covert.
Bending your f-u finger 90 degrees and putting the knuckle up against your nostril remembering to spread and wiggle those other fingers wide for maximum Mayberry ambience (yes, Barney Fife is in; unfortunately he's in the White House) is the new universal signal that you know you could be killed at any moment by someone who doesn't even know you, but works for a federal agency immune from all prosecution by the local cops.
Not Fife's, but Goober's spasmodic and repetitive head twitch will be the visual cue to your secret allies, letting them know that you know humanity is totally screwed for not paying attention, all these years, to what is really going on.
Off-the-wailing-wall fashion prediction for 2012 gas masks are in, the biggest thing since those rubber Reagan and Nixon masks that people use to rob banks.
Top selling fashion items this Spring look to be:
1. Hazmat suits, both tie-dyed and with photographs imprinted on them so you can, for instance, blend in with a dumpster in a trash-strewn parking lot (the currently typical American scene), or if you prefer, with a landscape of woodlands or night sky scenes. Some also are made with Stealth-technology fabric that eludes radar and when detected by laser-based devices automatically sends back to the cop at the controls an animated, singing image of Disco Duck.
2. 50 caliber automatic weapons that can blow a hole through the side of a buffalo, should you happen to run into one. Guns are very in everybody needs to have one. Most people have already figured out this is the only way to maintain the freedom that everybody hopes to have. No matter what any government ever says to you, every person on this planet is a free agent in the service of hope. More on stylish weaponry later on.
3. The real sleeper item this spring, reflecting a psychological phenomenon that is exploding in the minds of all people everywhere at this very moment, is . . . (YES, THIS IS A PAID POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENT. I'm Pseudoskylax and I approve this message) . . . a new way of thinking based upon the realization one's own programming is faulty, and actually installed in that so-called computer of your brain by the same doctors who put aluminum in the chemtrails, bullets in the Muslims, and Gardasil in the little girls.
Of course, sashaying and sentient swinger that you are, you always remember that what you wear totally pertains to the events you choose to attend. I know you all are awaiting with soon to be breathless anticipation the savvy choices of social events you DEFINITELY WILL NOT MISS attending.
1. World War III. Neocon naugahyde is the fabric of choice for the predators. No matter how formidable a fully armed American soldier appears to be, always remember that he is handicapped by both faulty equipment and a faulty mental attitude, which can always be overcome by a steady aim and inspired cleverness in the situation at hand. Always.
Victims in this oncoming slaughter have little choice but to put their heads between their legs and prepare for departure to other dimensions. Something sleek, like a leopard skin leotard, would readily identify us as the retards we are (or were) in the unlikely instance that our bodies should our bodies be found intact after this Spring's scheduled conflagration. Please study the Purim rituals.
2. The slow asphyxiation and irradiation of everything on Planet Earth. Are you the kind of person who believes what you're chosen authority figure tells you? If so, I believe you should wear something breezy and inane, perhaps a sibilant sailboat print toga with a Lithuanian-made psychedelic yarmulke that glows in the dark, like you will glow in the dark if your caper comes to pass.
However, if you one of the unfortunate, non-Underground City types, mandatory wardrobe choices center around good shoes, warm coats, off-the-grid radios, alternative Internets, water purification methods, gloves, hats, toothbrushes, long lasting foodstuffs, and adequate weaponry. Oh, and the most important, never changing, reliable, essential fashion trend: friends. Try to stick together, especially in the dark. We will get home that way.
3. Other possible or elective spring fashion events you may be able to attend if you live that long are:
· The Frontal Cerebral Cortex Shrinkage Hootenany, already happening in Japan, where hospitals are refusing to treat people for radiation sickness, and the dottering victims are sitting around and laughing maniacally about it, just like John Carpenter said they would.
· The FEMA camp Accelerated Wheezing Program, already well underway in hospitals and hospices peddling fentanyl like malted milk balls as the powers of attorney of hapless individuals spread a lurid largesse to the sanctimonious vampires running these shows in every American community.
· But the event we're all waiting for no, not the false crashing of a fictional comet into the Earth to camouflage yet another nuclear disaster (like all those tsunamis and earthquakes), and no, not the collapse of the North American plates into an empty coliseum of fracked-out gas chasms, none of those when unexpectedly and without warning all your vital signs flatline, and your field of vision quickly fades into a scintillating shadow of dark stars.
I suggest something in a pink camisole for the women and a giant jockstrap for the men.
If you're going to be blown up from above or truncheoned to death by airport guards, you should wear something bloodstained and tattered so you will fit neatly into the CIA/Mossad corpse profiling statistical categories, which would be "They deserved what they got".
However, if you're going to be gassed, poisoned, electromagnetized, melted by radiation, or vaporized, rhinestones are a must, or something that will explode on them when they explode on you.
In the event you are exploded from within by nanoClaymores which penetrated your skin from the chemtrails, I suggest you wear something in a mesh, preferably a dark color.
Always at the top of everyone's fashion priority is stylish weaponry. 50 caliber is the magic number it can explode a vehicle. However, for us ordinary feckless bovine cockroaches, tiny automatics in the handbags of all the females, serious holemakers in the shoulder holsters of all the boys, easily usable and loaded shotgun by the front door, and serious stashes of weapons and armaments by groups of neighbors in secret locations.
Then we'll talk politics.
And what o what, Moishe, shall we wear on Purim?
The basic rule for Purim festival garb was pretty much delineated by Gen. Barry McCaffrey on the Highway of Death north of Kuwait in 1991 at the close of the First Gulf War where ten thousand fleeing Iraqis who had already surrendered and been granted safe passage home were gunned down from behind by brave American pilots playing video games in their million dollar jerkoff machines. Those few who initially escaped death were then buried alive by bulldozers as the Star Spangled Banner proudly played.
Like all those officers and cops who looked the other way on 9/11, those brave American pilots were handsomely rewarded for their blindness, deafness and dumbness.
These days it's hard to tell who to fear most: the criminals or the cops?
Or the soldiers, greencard robotoids who will shoot anything to get on American welfare.
Or the social workers who can take your children, the doctors who deliberately take your health and your money, or the preachers who take your brain and sell it to some corporate conglomerate that bundles it in a package of bad loans to send to your town for you to pay for it.
For all of these events, the style that has stood the test of time is to confront these bastards head on, fully armed, and with right on our side. No preacher babbling that Israel is more important than Jesus is going to tell us anything about anything. He is going to be dispensed with along with all the other pervs who have committed an uncomprehendable succession of needless crimes and then covered up 99 percent of them, which have given him the right to tell us how to behave.
No more. No way.
So that is a fashion statement we all can live with.
The one you are using now is the one we all die with.
John Kaminski is a writer who lives on the Gulf Coast of Florida, constantly trying to figure out why we are destroying ourselves, and pinpointing a corrupt belief system as the engine of our demise. Solely dependent on contributions from readers, please support his work by mail:
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